Oh Thursday

Well as you may have noticed, my postings are a bit strange. You see, I tend to write them when I’m at work, but my work’s firewall prevents me from posting them. So I end up posting them whenever I get around to it. Yes, very random and not a very good system. Oh well. Tonight the boy is out with the boys! I am taking the evening to enjoy myself. Watch trash TV (thank you ABC) and get some things done. At least the boy lets me hang out at his house while he’s not here. He does have the 50″ Plasma afterall, you just can’t pass that up.

Well, let’s see, things are going fairly well. I mean, whose life is ever perfect? Nobody’s. The boy and I are at a bit of a rough patch, but I do think we can make it through. Things are just tough right now. We are still very much figuring out if we work together long-term or not. It may not seem sensible to you, but he and I are both very analytical and logical when it comes to this relationship. Neither of us wants to just jump in without looking. We take marriage very seriously and our relationship has really been hit a lot considering we have only been dating for 2 1/2 years or so. The past 6 months or so have really been the recovery phase. The time we are taking to sort through the shitstorm that happening the first year or two and figure out if we can get past it all to end up happy together. I mean, do I think it says a lot that we haven’t given up yet, but I know that’s not everything. I could very much end up being single on my 26th birthday come May. Time will tell. I hope for the best. Of course, if we don’t end up together it’s because we weren’t right for each other so I guess that is the best. Right now, the best just seems to be us together. Typical of a girl in the very middle of a serious relationship. It’s hard to get some serious perspective.

In other lifely news… I am apartment hunting. Woohoo. I have to move out of my place come April and I decided to start looking at my options. There is a slight option that the boy and I will end up living together if we feel it’s right and we are right by April, but most likely I’ll probably end up in an apartment. Honestly, I’m a little excited about it. I’ve never lived alone and I think I would really relish it. I am sick and tired of having a roommate. I want to keep things how I want them! Of course, if I do move into an apartment, the boy and I are going to have to rearrange this living situation. No more of this 1 night at my place and 6 nights at his.

Tomorrow night I am meeting up with some friends for HH and then we are heading to another friend’s b-day party downtown. It should be a good time. I can’t help but be nervous because this is this old friend of mine who currently doesn’t like me and she tends to be a bit of a drama queen. As in, called me at 8:30pm on a Saturday night to tell me about some rumor she heard (in which I was obviously saying shit about her) and when I told her it wasn’t true, it didn’t make a lick of difference. I even followed it up with an apologetic and explanatory email the next day, to no avail. I can’t say I’m surprised, it is her track record, but it’s sad none the less. I don’t like being at odds with people.

Also, randomness, has anybody noticed how when you buys CDs as of late, they tend to not be recognized on your computer or won’t let you burn them onto your computer? What a bunch of BS. If I knew that was the case I would have just bought the albums through itunes. But of 3 CDs the boy and I bought this past weekend, only 1 was recognized on both of our computers (both mac and pc) and the others were just rejected. It’s really a bitch because I wanted to have that stuff on my phone and ipod for when I’m driving around town, working out or at work. Lame, with a capital L. If anybody knows of a solution to this, I’m all ears.

Anyhow, that’s probably about all going on in my little world. I know nobody is really reading this now, but it’s okay. I don’t really care.

 

working hard for the money

It’s been different getting used to the Monday through Friday, 9-6, workweek. The majority has been great. I love the stability, I love interacting with people and I love the steady paycheck. I do miss the flexibility I had waitressing though. It was nice to have random days off where I could have complete alone time without roommates or the boy and not feel guilty, as if I am being anti-social. It was nice to have half days, etc. All-in-all though, I wouldn’t trade this job for the world right now.

I do hate how the days seems to drag around 2-4 pm. I hate when I am not super busy and I am not sure what to do to occupy my time. I think that things being very slow for me at my last full time job before I was laid off has made me slightly paranoid. Like, oh no, I am slow today, they aren’t going to renew my contract or they are going to let me go because there is not enough work. Even though, from what I’ve seen, everybody here has slow days and busy days. Generally they are all on different days for us. Today started out busy for me, but now I am down to my last job on my plate and I want to make it last. Thus, the posting. It’s also Friday and I am so ready to be out of here and just having fun and relaxing this weekend.

Unfortunately cedar fever is trying to keep me down. Damn cedar. It is allergies at their worst and they are at record highs this week. Blurg. I stopped by the CVS this morning and stocked up on all the goods. Claratin D, Emergen-c, throat lozenges, excedrine. I should be set.

Right now, I just can’t wait until it’s 5:15/5:30 and I can head home to lay down for a bit before the fun of the weekend starts.

 

a new year

Well a lot has been happening lately. I kind of stopped blogging because I wasn’t really getting anything out of it and I felt like nothing interesting was happening in my life to even blog about.

So let’s talk about 2009.

Being unemployed was one of the hardest experiences of my life. The constant rejection, fear, worry and anxiety just about ate me up. Luckily in December I was able to start working contract for the marketing department of a company in Austin. It changed my life. I never fully realized how heavy all of those worries and anxieties had been sitting on me until they were gone. Finally, I had a paycheck and a job (at least for the next 6 months). And the boy was terrific throughout the entire thing and I know that must have been incredibly hard. I must have been a mess to interact with on a daily basis. I know that I did my best and I grew a lot as a person. That entire situation taught me a lot about myself and has helped me to try to let go of control. All in all, in 2009, I was an elementary substitute, a waitress, a barista and a contractor. I think I will have quite an interesting time filling out my taxes this year.

The boy and I are still together, although not without bumps along the way. We are still very much defining our relationship and trying to find out if we can give each other what the other needs. We both love each other dearly, but we definitely have issues. I hope that we can figure things out, but it is just one more thing I don’t have much control over. We are both healing from past hurts and trying to move on to a more positive future. It’s been difficult. I have grown a lot in this relationship and I am still growing. I am really trying to find out who I am and be confident in who I am. We’ve been together for 2 years and 8 months, we have seen the worst in each other and the best in each other. We are still together, but it might not be forever.

In 2009 I dealt with the possibility of death. My grandpa was put in the hospital just before Christmas because he was having stomach pains and ending up catching pneumonia. I drove down to San Antonio a few times a week to try and be there for him and my family. One night in particular the boy and I drove down there because my grandpa was having surgery and the doctors were fairly confident he would die. However, he pulled through. He is recovering, slowly but surely. I have never been more impressed with my grandpa that I have with this experience. Even after being diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and deciding to take 2 chemo treatments at the same time. He is tough shit and I am so impressed with his determination to recover and live.

So 2010.

I have high hopes for 2010. There are many things I would like to see happen and many things I’d like to improve on in myself. I would like to be offered a full time position or find a full time position by the end of the year. I would like things to continue to improve with the boy, even though last night I almost lost everything. There are a lot of things I’ve realized about myself. I want to be more giving and thoughtful of others. I want to be better at putting the boy’s needs before my own because that is what you do for someone you love and I am not very good at it.  I want to be less dramatic. I recently realized that I tend to bring drama into my life and everything comes across as more dire than it is. I feed off of my emotions and it tends to become irrational. I would like to have more control over my actions when I am emotional and I would like to have less drama in my life. I want to do a good job of saving money while I have this job. Ideally I’d like to start a Roth IRA before the year is out and contribute what I can to it. I have a 401k from my last full time job, but I haven’t contributed to it in over a year. I need to be more financially responsible about that stuff. I want to make more friends and make them more of a priority. It becomes too easy to fall into routine and just hang out at home with the boy almost every night. I have a few good girl friends in Austin, but I want more. I have high hopes for 2010, I hope that they do not get let down.

Last, but not least, I would like to start blogging more. I read blogs constantly, but I hesitate to write myself. I don’t expect a lot of people to read, but that’s not really the point. I need to write more and get out of my head.

 

school

I’m thinking about going back. It’s been a really long and difficult decision. I lost my job last October, so I guess that puts me at 10 months of unemployment. Losing my job really shook me up and hit my professional self esteem hard. Despite the reassurances of how being laid off was not a reflection on my work for the company, I couldn’t help but feel like I just wasn’t talented enough. I debated switching careers and being a teacher, I have looked for any kind of professional gig I could qualify for (Administrative assistance, etc.), but I think school is the way I am going to go. I am looking into some programs within my city and I hope that one will work for me. I’d like to get a degree of some sort in web/multimedia design. As of now, I have no idea if it’s even possible. I don’t know the cost, if I would get a loan, when classes start, etc, but I am looking. I’m looking and I’m excited. And to be honest, I haven’t been excited about something in a long time. I was one of those kids who went straight into college with a declared major and graduated with the same major.  For the first time since high school I had lost my desire, my dedication and my motivation to pursue this career. And it’s not just a career, it’s a lifestyle. It’s who I am and it’s what I’m interested in. I love looking at design websites, I love critiquing fonts on billboards and for restaurants and get to appreciate when something unexpected is designed so well.

I hope this is the right choice, I hope that it doesn’t filter into nothing. I can’t wait until 5 years from now I can look back and understand why the hell I’m going through all this crap. I know this is a giant personal growth period in my life, but it sure does suck to go through sometimes. Hopefully everything will work out for the better.

 

Back to Blogging

Recently I took a little haitus from blogging. I just wasn’t getting what I wanted from it. I decided to just use my website and name to leave comments on other blogs I read, because I still love reading blogs. I spend probably 30 minutes to an hour everyday catching up on daily blogs. Today I felt the desire to blog again. I know I am not the greatest of writers, I know that I don’t have a real purpose for the blog. I just want to write, openly and honestly, about some of the things that I am being tested on in life, just in case there is ever anybody out there that has gone through something similar. That is what blogging has meant to me. I find such joy in hearing other stories that I can relate to. I’m not alone, other people have gone through what I am going through. That is so reassuring to me.

First thing up, jobs. I never thought that losing my job would affect me as much as it has. But the more time goes on, the longer I go without getting so much as a nibble on the hundreds of resumes I send out, the more my self esteem is shot down. I know that I shouldn’t take it personally, this is one of the worst recessions in decades and tons of other people have lost their jobs too, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. It makes me feel like I need to shout from the rooftops that I am a good worker! I have excelled at every job I was ever given, give me a chance! No such luck though. I am seriously debating going back to school. I want to learn web design. I got my BFA in Graphic Design, but I failed to take web classes and that is where the world is and will continue to go. I have finally decided (after 8 months or so) that if I want to stay a designer, I need to put in the effort and money to learn the web stuff. Plus, I think it would be fun to go back to school. Meet new people and learn new things. And who knows, maybe by the time I’m done there will be more jobs and things will be back on the upswing. That would be nice.

Second thing. Men. Sheesh. I can’t even being to describe the drama that has been happening in my relationship. And if you ever decide to go back and read any of my archives you will see that this is not a new thing. To be melodramatic, we have struggled to be happy. We have gone through so much and have been hit by so much, sometimes I wonder if we are just incapable of being happy. No matter how hard we try. On the bright side of things, I love him so much. I think he is so good to me and such a great guy. In so many ways we compliment each other perfectly. We are such goofballs together and I can be completely myself with him. I can confide in him about pretty much any aspect of my life and get support and guidance. What we are struggling with, is how to talk to each other, about each other. I am not sure if other people really struggle with this, but due to things that have happened in our past, we are having to talk to each other now, about each other. And it is really sensitive and it’s really hard. It’s hard to not come off like you are blaming the other person, it’s hard to be open to criticism. We are both still so raw from recent events. Still trying to heal. I am currently at a point where I think things could get better, but I have my doubts. I’m scared that we won’t figure it out, I’m scared we’ll self destruct first. I’m scared there is too much damage. All I can do is hope. Hope that we are doing the right thing, hope that we can figure things out and hope that things work out for the best.

Well internets… thanks for listening. Perhaps I’ll try to blog more frequently now, instead of letting there be 3 months inbetween posts.

 

A Job!

So today I was going to take a break from all the job searching. All the rejection or possibilities had really just gotten me down and I needed time to recoup. However, after I had lunch with BF I went to Target and Bed Bath and Beyond and on my way home I decided, what the hell, I’m going to check out this place that posted about wanting servers. So I showed up, filled out an application and as I am turning it in one of the owners decides to just sit down with me right then. Then, before I know it, they are telling me to come in Monday at 10:30 for training. I was pretty shocked. I have gone from applying to every place I know of and sitting down with managers, always getting the line that they’ll give me a call, that actually being offered a job was almost unbelievable.

(p.s. I completely realize this post barely makes coherent sense.)

So, yay! On the one hand, I am pumped! I actually have a job, some of the stress has been lifted! On the other hand, it is a smaller restaurant and I have no idea how busy it is. I don’t know if I can make a living there or not, but they do know I want to work as close to full time as possible. It’s a pretty cool place, part coffee shop/wine bar and part Italian restaurant. It’s in a wealthy part of town as well, so hopefully the tips will be good and the hours aren’t too bad. The latest I’d have to work would be like 11pm, sidework/closing things included. We will see how it all goes. I also have another school district job fair on Saturday that hopefully will go well. All I can really do is keep reaching out to places in hopes of getting a full time gig eventually. I really hope the economy is on the upswing though. All these people that have been laid off like me are in a horrible position. It’s so frustrating. I can’t begin to describe how frustrating it is applying every day for everything and not hearing anything but rejections for 6 months! I am a great employee! I am a hard worker! I completely deserve a job and so do so many other people out there who are struggling.

Sorry for the complete suckage of writing. It’s late and I’m tired and a little overwhelmed.

 

cont….

So, after a few nights of intense conversation, BF and I are trucking on through this hard time in the hopes of a happier tomorrow still with each other.

I think it is a good situation, but hard times always make you question don’t they? You just have to go with your gut in these situations. The times are hard but we want to try, so hopefully it’s all for the better and not the worse.

On the job front, well, I have been applying everywhere! Receptionist, Office Manager, Administrative Assistant, Waitress, Teaching Jobs, whew. It’s exhausting! And somewhat fruitless! I do have a second interview with a restaurant opening up in a few weeks which could be really cool. I’d definitely prefer a waitressing job combined with subbing so that eventually I could get a full time teaching gig. Waitressing just really brings in the cash way more than these other jobs. I had an interview this morning for an office manager position that paid $10 an hour, with no talk of benefits. Yeesh. Sorry bud, I can’t live on that. Especially knowing I will be paying taxes on all this unemployment money next year. Talk about bleeding money. Also, really, I have been unemployed for 6 months, not the happiest time in my life, and to add to it, I know that once I find a job I’ll be poor forever because I have to pay taxes on unemployment! Because if I paid them now, I wouldn’t get enough to live on. Twisted little economy. I’m moving to Sweden.

 

Relationships

Does anybody have them figured out? How do you know when it’s right? How do you know when to stay and fight or when to pack up and leave? It seems to me that all you can really do is go with your gut. God I hope my gut is smart.

It’s currently crunch time in the boytoy’s grad school world. Crunchtime = high stress time, which usually = some kind of fight. This semester was no different. If anybody were to ask me if I’d recommending starting a relationship with somebody in the midst of grad school and working full time, I’m not so sure I’d give it my seal of approval. It is tough shit. The elevated stress level alone is enough to get us both, and that’s just his! Add in my own stress with being unemployed for 6 months and applying for every job I find and still not having any luck, and well, I’d say it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster.

However, after a humdinger tonight, we are still fighting for our relationship. Still trying to work all this out and see if we can be happy together and have a good, lasting, relationship. There are issues, for sure. There is baggage, good lord is there baggage, but there is still some hope. Hope that once school is done once and for all (May 3rd can’t come fast enough), that we’ll have the time to talk and have fun and figure this shit out. We’ve invested a lot in each other and this relationship, I really hope that it isn’t the end for us.

 

landlords

Suck sometimes. Today, for instance, my landlord requests that my roommate or I be home between 1 and 3pm so the pest guy can come. Now, I am pumped the pest guy is coming, I hate cockroaches more than anything, but when I give up taking any sub jobs (including subbing for am elementary art teacher, my dream job) so that I can make sure somebody is here and then NOBODY shows, I’m a little aggitated. I am unemployed! I make nothing and am trying to sub to make school connections, please don’t fuck with me or at least try to be considerate of your tenants when you request them to be home.

I know it’s not that big of a deal, but it just seems to be the attitute with our landlord. Very nonchalant about everything. Like how she was supposed to have our carpets cleaned and after rounds of emails and 6 months later it still hasn’t happened or like how it took 2-3 weeks for her to get around to fixing our running toilet that was costing us about $100 extra a month in utilities.

Sorry for the vent, but do good landlords exist?! I have yet to encounter one that isn’t our to screw me over and it’s rather disheartening. I am a good tenant. I am clean and responsible and take care of the space I live in, don’t I deserve equal respect?

 

Anxiety

So, I haven’t posted in quite some time. Honestly, I’m not 100% convinced I’m meant to live in the blog world, but I am chuck full of anxiety right now and have no where else to vent.

I have been out of a job for 6 months now, almost to the day. And trust me, it is not for lack of trying (seriously, I can show you the spreadsheet). I can’t find anything! Not only that, my unemployment runs out in May and then I am royally fucked. Let’s see, I have applied for every job I am qualified for in the Graphic Design/Advertising realm, I have taken an Alternative Certification Program to get my teaching certificate and I have been going out to every restaurant I can think of to apply for a waitressing job. So far 0 for 3. I have gone to job fairs, I have sent out cover letters and resumes, I apply to ANYTHING I can at this point and still have heard nothing back but rejection, if anything at all. In 6 months I have had one interview and one returned phone call. Terrific. Okay, so now what? What is the plan? Of course I will continue to work my butt off trying to find some form of employment, but do I just go into debt? Put everything on a credit card? Move back in with Mom and Dad? I honestly have no idea. I really need something to work out soon. It doesn’t even have to pay that well, just so much that it covers my bills.

I’m down folks. I am down and full of anxiety. I have a hard time letting myself fall asleep or turning off my computer, as if my computer is my one link to finding a job. I search the same job sites multiple times a day to no avail. I don’t know how to relax, how to let myself relax. I don’t feel like I can. I feel like if I relax at this point I am missing some kind of opportunity or will never get a job. It’s a trying time for sure. If anybody reads this, please join me in hoping that something, anything, will work out. Thank You.