Recently I took a little haitus from blogging. I just wasn’t getting what I wanted from it. I decided to just use my website and name to leave comments on other blogs I read, because I still love reading blogs. I spend probably 30 minutes to an hour everyday catching up on daily blogs. Today I felt the desire to blog again. I know I am not the greatest of writers, I know that I don’t have a real purpose for the blog. I just want to write, openly and honestly, about some of the things that I am being tested on in life, just in case there is ever anybody out there that has gone through something similar. That is what blogging has meant to me. I find such joy in hearing other stories that I can relate to. I’m not alone, other people have gone through what I am going through. That is so reassuring to me.
First thing up, jobs. I never thought that losing my job would affect me as much as it has. But the more time goes on, the longer I go without getting so much as a nibble on the hundreds of resumes I send out, the more my self esteem is shot down. I know that I shouldn’t take it personally, this is one of the worst recessions in decades and tons of other people have lost their jobs too, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. It makes me feel like I need to shout from the rooftops that I am a good worker! I have excelled at every job I was ever given, give me a chance! No such luck though. I am seriously debating going back to school. I want to learn web design. I got my BFA in Graphic Design, but I failed to take web classes and that is where the world is and will continue to go. I have finally decided (after 8 months or so) that if I want to stay a designer, I need to put in the effort and money to learn the web stuff. Plus, I think it would be fun to go back to school. Meet new people and learn new things. And who knows, maybe by the time I’m done there will be more jobs and things will be back on the upswing. That would be nice.
Second thing. Men. Sheesh. I can’t even being to describe the drama that has been happening in my relationship. And if you ever decide to go back and read any of my archives you will see that this is not a new thing. To be melodramatic, we have struggled to be happy. We have gone through so much and have been hit by so much, sometimes I wonder if we are just incapable of being happy. No matter how hard we try. On the bright side of things, I love him so much. I think he is so good to me and such a great guy. In so many ways we compliment each other perfectly. We are such goofballs together and I can be completely myself with him. I can confide in him about pretty much any aspect of my life and get support and guidance. What we are struggling with, is how to talk to each other, about each other. I am not sure if other people really struggle with this, but due to things that have happened in our past, we are having to talk to each other now, about each other. And it is really sensitive and it’s really hard. It’s hard to not come off like you are blaming the other person, it’s hard to be open to criticism. We are both still so raw from recent events. Still trying to heal. I am currently at a point where I think things could get better, but I have my doubts. I’m scared that we won’t figure it out, I’m scared we’ll self destruct first. I’m scared there is too much damage. All I can do is hope. Hope that we are doing the right thing, hope that we can figure things out and hope that things work out for the best.
Well internets… thanks for listening. Perhaps I’ll try to blog more frequently now, instead of letting there be 3 months inbetween posts.
