Well a lot has been happening lately. I kind of stopped blogging because I wasn’t really getting anything out of it and I felt like nothing interesting was happening in my life to even blog about.
So let’s talk about 2009.
Being unemployed was one of the hardest experiences of my life. The constant rejection, fear, worry and anxiety just about ate me up. Luckily in December I was able to start working contract for the marketing department of a company in Austin. It changed my life. I never fully realized how heavy all of those worries and anxieties had been sitting on me until they were gone. Finally, I had a paycheck and a job (at least for the next 6 months). And the boy was terrific throughout the entire thing and I know that must have been incredibly hard. I must have been a mess to interact with on a daily basis. I know that I did my best and I grew a lot as a person. That entire situation taught me a lot about myself and has helped me to try to let go of control. All in all, in 2009, I was an elementary substitute, a waitress, a barista and a contractor. I think I will have quite an interesting time filling out my taxes this year.
The boy and I are still together, although not without bumps along the way. We are still very much defining our relationship and trying to find out if we can give each other what the other needs. We both love each other dearly, but we definitely have issues. I hope that we can figure things out, but it is just one more thing I don’t have much control over. We are both healing from past hurts and trying to move on to a more positive future. It’s been difficult. I have grown a lot in this relationship and I am still growing. I am really trying to find out who I am and be confident in who I am. We’ve been together for 2 years and 8 months, we have seen the worst in each other and the best in each other. We are still together, but it might not be forever.
In 2009 I dealt with the possibility of death. My grandpa was put in the hospital just before Christmas because he was having stomach pains and ending up catching pneumonia. I drove down to San Antonio a few times a week to try and be there for him and my family. One night in particular the boy and I drove down there because my grandpa was having surgery and the doctors were fairly confident he would die. However, he pulled through. He is recovering, slowly but surely. I have never been more impressed with my grandpa that I have with this experience. Even after being diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and deciding to take 2 chemo treatments at the same time. He is tough shit and I am so impressed with his determination to recover and live.
So 2010.
I have high hopes for 2010. There are many things I would like to see happen and many things I’d like to improve on in myself. I would like to be offered a full time position or find a full time position by the end of the year. I would like things to continue to improve with the boy, even though last night I almost lost everything. There are a lot of things I’ve realized about myself. I want to be more giving and thoughtful of others. I want to be better at putting the boy’s needs before my own because that is what you do for someone you love and I am not very good at it. I want to be less dramatic. I recently realized that I tend to bring drama into my life and everything comes across as more dire than it is. I feed off of my emotions and it tends to become irrational. I would like to have more control over my actions when I am emotional and I would like to have less drama in my life. I want to do a good job of saving money while I have this job. Ideally I’d like to start a Roth IRA before the year is out and contribute what I can to it. I have a 401k from my last full time job, but I haven’t contributed to it in over a year. I need to be more financially responsible about that stuff. I want to make more friends and make them more of a priority. It becomes too easy to fall into routine and just hang out at home with the boy almost every night. I have a few good girl friends in Austin, but I want more. I have high hopes for 2010, I hope that they do not get let down.
Last, but not least, I would like to start blogging more. I read blogs constantly, but I hesitate to write myself. I don’t expect a lot of people to read, but that’s not really the point. I need to write more and get out of my head.
